Losing someone u love so much can be devastating. Scott is gonna lose his mom and it kills him. I have been there before. I never thought i would lose my mom. I ignored those feelings. I miss her so much it hurts. I dont know how to help him. If i ask him how she is or if he talked to her i feel he gets upset. He doesnt wanna talk about it? I dont wanna force him to talk to me about her. I dont want him to think i am ignoring his pain or whats going on when i am not talking about his mum with him. its a touchy subject. And i hope i am doing everything right. Being so far away is so hard. I just hope he feels he can talk to me about it. He is not alone with it. I try to understand what he feels.


yes! to the people who asked me if this song had something to do with my mood. Yes. Don´t you have these days? Scott and me do. And we are honest about it. We have bad days. We don´t lie about it. It gets harder for us but that also brings us closer together. His mom is very sick and it looks like she wont get better. He has to get used to the thought that she will die and it kills him. I was there not long ago and i know how hard it is. He loves his mum very much. And it hurts me to see him in so much pain. I try my best to be there for him.

I am sorry i have to dissapoint so many people now (especially from Texas) that we did not break up yet. Sorry!!! It´s just not happening. I know u tried your , what u thought, best. Good luck to for the next time. Maybe your next victim is a stupid one. Oh, should shut up now. My baby is waiting. And i have a lot of things to do before i go to sleep. Preparations for tomorrow.

Everything will be fine!!


Happy Birthday...

Happy birthday !!

to my best friend Sabine. She will turn 36 tomorrow. Hope she has a wonderful birthday. We certainly will make sure she has!!! He He
I wish you all the best. Love you and always there for you. Thank you for being a wonderful friend!! Mwah mwah


Time: sometime after six i guess?
Drank last: Coffee with sabine and her dad ( who is a nice fella)
Ate last: had my finger in whipcream, does that count? lol
Listening to: Gretchen Wilson " i don´t feel like loving you today"
Laughed last: with Sabine
Last night: i was upset cause i didnt get messages all day and my phone is &%$§$%&$%§$§
Cried last: yesterday before i went to sleep, i miss scott
Today: i went shopping almost all day and i am tired
Tomorrow: is Sabines Bday and we will give her a big surprise!!!
Mood: tired but happy

I dont feel like loving you today...

For Scott ...

I don't feel like loving you today,
So don't you even try to change my mind,
The best thing you can do right now,
Is just go away,
Cause I don't feel like loving you today,

I don't wanna talk about last night,
I'm angry and I haven't had much sleep,
And I'm so tired and bloodshot,
There's no tellin' what I'd say,
I don't feel like loving you today,

But you know I will anyway,
Even though we make it hard sometimes,
I'll wind up forgiving and probably loving you,
For the rest of my life,
But I don't feel like loving you today,

And I've got 16 hours left to go,
I might tell you that I'm leaving,
Even though you know I'll stay,
Cause I don't feel like loving you today,
But you know I will anyway,
Even though we make it hard sometimes,
I'll wind up forgiving and probably loving you,
For the rest of my life,

But I don't feel like loving you today,
I just don't feel like loving you today...

New members...

We have two new members in our big family.
Julia got two turtles yesterday. She saved a lot of money to get them and waited for them to hatch.She has papers and all for them. Now they arrived. And they are so cute.

After studying them we called them...Mr. Monk and Sherona!!!
And believe me those names and characters fit them. Julia is very proud of them and learns how to take care of them. Thank god we have sylvia close to guide and help us, she has turtles since she was a kid.


time: evening
last caller: Byron
Wearing: black skirt and a beige top
Hearing: Unfaithful by Rihanna
Drinking: lots of water and icetea
Weather: its raining, finally, that was needed
Talking: to julia, she got her turtles yesterday
thinking: what a sad and poor life karen must have, sheeze
Playing: with my hair
Dreamed: that i was pregnant? dont know why?
Mood: actually not bad
Craving: a good ...lick
song on my mind: wake me up before u go go by wham, dont ask me why?
missing: my man


ok. i think i seriously gotta read and learn more about bipolar disorder. so i can handle it better.


Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But there is good news: bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

"Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide."

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

It may be helpful to think of the various mood states in bipolar disorder as a spectrum or continuous range. At one end is severe depression, above which is moderate depression and then mild low mood, which many people call "the blues" when it is short-lived but is termed "dysthymia" when it is chronic. Then there is normal or balanced mood, above which comes hypomania (mild to moderate mania), and then severe mania.
He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him insideTo know
that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life

I don't wanna be...A murderer