I would whisper
And if I wanted loneliness
I'd choose to go
And if i liked rejection
I'd audition
And if I didn't love you
You would know

And why can't you just hold me
And how come it is so hard
And do you like to see me broken
And why do I still care
still care ...

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The Kristine story...

how can i explain that to u to understand? this goes to the reader who mailed me...sorry for the other ones who read this before...

we didnt break up cause we had other parnters... we broke up cause of the distance... we still love each other... and that makes it difficult... now Scott always told me to hang in there when i wanted to leave... he begged me not to leave him... then he left....was hard... i held everything up for so long...

so.. there is a guy who says he is still in love with you but he tried to get together with another girl... her name is kristine as he told me... it didnt work out and he says he wished he wants me back... now he may feels different about it since my last blog entry lol... sorry the last entry came flying out of my heart... what i felt ....

as i wanted to delete scotts sms... i thought i´ll share some of his messages with you... they meant so much to me... now....


i know that and i´m not just thinking about me.
i´m apologising for the pain i caused you!

i asked him why he still thinks he loves me?


Because u never gave up on me!

he says he needs to tell me something important... wonder what it could be?


ok. a few months ago, i started seeing this girl.
she told me she was just out of a 2 year abusive relationship.
i treated her like a queen. Made her feel good about herself
that she told me she loved me. Then the last few days she had
been acting rather strange.then last night she came around,
with her boyfriend and said she wanted to make it work with him.

ok now. wait... can u imagine what i felt right that minute?? can u? so i asked

him how serious that was...


no no. u dont understand. we werent exactly going out. it was very
casual. i wanted to make it more serious about a month ago. NO!
I DONT LOVE HER! i didnt even sleep with her until last just
went all wrong from there.

so he says he doesnt love her. ok.. i am confused... wanting a relationshíp but no love...hmmm

it didnt work... so what does this mean i asked him?


that perhaps i should never have left u in the first place.

yay for me huh... now u understand me feeling like plan B?


it did hurt me knowing about that other guy. that´s probably why
i tried to get this girl. we were friends first.

ok ok... here we go... i am at fault... i had 1 date... just 1 date and he
felt he needs a girlfriend... ok? so... its my fault?


Honestly ange. i am not lying to you.
i have nothing to gain from lying to you!
this is so not like you.
i cant understand why u are
adamant that i am.

this is when my tummy pain started... waking up feeling bad... thinking something is up with scott... never had these before in our long relationship... i felt that there is something wrong...

but i knew he never would lie to me...


hey angel ! i´m home in bed now.
just got in from work. not gonna be sleeping long.
gotta be up in a few hours.
got so much work to do before i go back to work
this afternoon. i hope u are ok. and stop freaking out.
miss you!

talk to you soon. good night!

he calls me angel again... strange... missed hearing that... so i should stop freaking out... yeah...if i can get rid of the feeling that something is major wrong....


I miss u so much !

awww... he just knows how to get to my heart


Hey! i got online today. went to your blog.
saw the shout tag.
noticed toms comment.
can only guess what happend next?
i checked my mail,
but someone deleted all my mail in hotmail.
very strange.
didnt get to see yours.
I´m sorry u dont believe me when i
said i havent spoken to kristine.
i dont understand whats going on.
dont know what to do anymore.
i´m sorry.
wish i could talk to you!
i really miss you!

so... i sent him a mail.. someone deleted all the mails... the mails to kristine too? how convinient... so if he didnt get to read my mail!!!!!!!! why does he say he is sorry i dont belive him when he says he hasnt spoken to kristine?... thats what my mail was all about...thin ice...


Angel, please.
i dont understand.
what makes u so sure i am lying about anything?
what do u know that i dont?
i am sorry.
i dont know what i have done!

me repeating again that i think he is lying to me...i just know damned...

now here comes a good part!!!!!!!!!!!!


oh my god. u are such a sneak.
i was just talking to my brother daniel
and he told me he emailed kristine a few
weeks ago when i was at work.he tried to
take revenge.but u were dishonest.
and u lied to me also!

oh... here we go... he thinks i caught him checking his mails???? he must mistake me with karen... the one who controlled him... i dont even know his pw... but to make sure he blames it on daniel???? am i the only one who thinks this is bull?


i didn think u would have had a response to that.
either u think i´m lying or u are too humiliated to admit
what u did.
i choose the former. either way.
i dont care. i care about you
and that is all. i am tired of this shit ange.
do what u want. fuck tom. marry him for all i care.
i tried my best under the circumstances.
its all i have to offer. sorry. night

so i didnt answer and he forgave me ...oh well... all the things that happen when u dont answer someone... but i am forgiven... so i went through his mails and i am forgiven? good to know if i really do it... I AM NOT KAREN!!!!!


i miss you.
and i love you.
and i wish i could have u back.
but if u dont want me
then i wont bother coming over.
i´ll stay just here.

still silence on my side... wow... i was surprised when i read this... so he wants me back... but i dont wanna go back...i told him to change the pw so that daniel cant do it again... he told me to do it... he gave me his pw and i went there... what did i see??? emails... from kristine... his answers... i instantly got up and ran away... my friend read them and brought me back to read one... to see that he is playing... i cried so much...he gave me the pw knowing that there will be emails?... i told him and he got mad at me... it is none of my biz to read his mails... yeah :(


i wont do that. honestly i wont.
i know that there is more to you than just your boobs.
look at it this way. to me its like a reward.
i give u all the love and respect u deserve.
and i have the opportunity to handle the sexiest
part of your body every night.

wohooo... my boobs... big soft and beautiful... he is such a charmer...


all i am asking is that we can have respect for one another.
nomore of this bullshit between us ok.
we should be worth more to each other than this...


u are dating again...
thats good...
i guess...

i tested how he would react to that news...


hey. was in sydney and jumped online. checked my mail.
got yours. thought i got lucky and u send me a pic of your
naked boobs. no luck.
also read your blog. u are right.
i dont give u enough credit.
u put up with so much of my shit.
and i am sorry.
i hope things get better for us.
talk to u soon.

Ps: i hope u are ok. always thinking about you. sorry...

No comment.... :(


i´m sorry... for everything.
i dont know whats wrong with me.

yeah... i try to figure that out too scott...


ange. u are over reacting.
u didnt feel anything.
i have had no real contact with her at all.
all u have is me checking and replying to my mail.
there is nothing there. ok!

so... he admits having contact... but? so i was right!!! my feelings were right!!!!!!!!!


I dont have anything for her anymore.
i dont know why u keep insisting that there is.
what happend on the weekend? what did u do?

there... he said it...


love me so much u hate me.
its ok. i havent exactly been a pillar of
good intentions, have i ?
i deserve what i get.

u are saying it scott, u are saying it... END

Scott is lying...

i woke up this morning with the worst tummy pain... i havent had these since... hmmm.... i thought that scott still had contact and feelings for her... how could that be?... he was out of my mind for quite a while...

why the pain now and the feelings he is doing it again?
he swore up and down that there is nothing!!

but there is... why ignore the gut feeling... i woke up knowing he had talked to her and that there is more than he tells me... but then still the same old q!!! WHYYYYYY????????

why lying to me? i am far away. he can do whatever he wants. why doesnt he admit it? that makes me think i am still his plan B. she is there, why telling me he loves me? gosh...

the worst thing is that i keep thinking where else he lied to me... he breaks so much behaving this way.... i just dont understand why he would do it?... he makes all the things he said and did worthless with this...

i know they talk and i know he has feelings for her! he tries to make me believe that there is nothing... the first time i say this and i say this with all my heart !


Child abuse 2

this topic has triggered many emotions in you... thanks for all the messages and mails i got... i am so glad that those who are affected know that there are people out there who care...

not like school boards who like to sweep the matters under the rug... counting on the familys being quiet cause they dont want to bring more stress to the abused kids...

but what hurts them more? being quiet and wait till it goes away? or be loud and fight for your child!

so i have a friend in vienna who was sexually abused by her father many years... she grew up like that... she got married... had kids... she forgot... until the day her 3rd child, a daughter, was crying when her grandfather held her... she didnt want to be on his lap...

it all came back to her... the abuse...she went down to the cellar and hide there... wasnt speaking to nobody for weeks... she knew he molested her oldest daughter, who is now married to a man in a wheel chair who is not able to make love to a woman... i wonder why she chose him?

her other daughter never got counseling... cause her own counselor told her not to and to wait till she is ready to? HELLO? how ready can u be?

she, herself has turned towards women... she leads a lesbian lifestyle now

she tries so hard to cope with all this but i told her on many occasions to help her daughter...

maybe i am wrong... i am not a specialist...but i feel u need to help...

dont ignore it... dont be ashamed... u have done nothing wrong...its society who failed you... being strong for your child...

try talking to your friends... i am sure they will support u all the way...

try the media... your local media... inform them!... dont use his name... he might end up suing you... yes that can happen in this sick world... get the story out there... get the people who are in charge to react!

dont be afraid of setbacks... people who wont believe you... negative reactions.. always think of your childs face!... they dont know how to fight... fight for them!

Child abuse...

makes me so sick... so fucking sick... in what society are we living in nowadays?

just a few weeks ago there was this teacher here who filmed his students changing and going to the bathroom... who knows for how long... until a girl saw the red flashing light and told her mom... he got instantly removed...

A TEACHER!!!! A person we trust... our kids go to school every day... we need to trust those people... we trust them with our kids...

Child abuse is doing something or failing to do something that results in harm to a child or puts a child at risk of harm. Child abuse can be physical,
sexual or emotional. Neglect, or not providing for a child's needs, is also a form of abuse.

Most abused children suffer greater emotional than physical damage...An abused child may become depressed... He or she may withdraw, think of suicide or become violent... An older child may use drugs or alcohol, try to run away or abuse others.

Child abuse is a serious problem... If you suspect a child is being abused or neglected, call the police or your local child welfare agency!!! Dont be scared to do something!

There is no single, definitive cause of child abuse, and any child - regardless of age, gender, race, ethnicity, cultural identity, socioeconomic status, spirituality, sexual orientation, physical or mental abilities or personality - may be vulnerable to being abused...
Child abuse is a complex problem and there are many different contributing factors (individual, familial, social)... Many experts believe that child abuse is linked to inequalities among people in our society and the power imbalance between adults and children...

A child is usually in a position of dependence on his or her abuser, and has little or no power compared to the abuser!

We need to help our kids! Be there for them! Dont ignore the signs!

Mostly its not the STRANGER from the street... its a person we trust... they trust... an uncle... father... neighbour... teacher....

lets make our kids strong and powerful to say NO! or to be strong enough to confide in a person and tell whats going on....

the kids need our help!

i am sorry but this topic gets me going!!!!! i am so sick hearing of those stories! my first thought was to hang him up by his cock and let him suffer... even death is too good for those people... sorrry mind my language... my bad

but i am a mom... and i would jump at that person who did this to my child!

empower them! make them feel loved!


yayyyyyyyyyyyy......... so looking forward to our trip to vienna next month. it will be so much fun... andi is going with us... he wants to see so many things... he kills me... gabi and me always take it easy... having breakfast till 11 am ... talking.... having coffee... kids playing, making a mess all around us lol...

then we slowly get in gear and go to the city... i just love vienna, the old houses, the people, the flair... and andi is so happy to go with us... he is so sweet...

we will be spending 9 hours in the train together... will be listening to music on my mp3 a lot i guess... but its cool spending some time with him...

wish though that sabine could come too... but she has to work... she was in italy and came back so tanned... i am jealous !!!!!!!!!!

she brought me a prada handbag though--- PROUD OWNER OF A PRADA HANDBAG!!!!---
she is from the latest collection, said the black seller at the beach lol... he he he

she came back with loads of handbags... so we have a lots to chose from...Dolce and Gabbana today? Prada? Chanel? ... oh this is so funny

everything will be fine

going into the weekend with...

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as a good start into the weekend julia (who is standing right beside me) and me listen to this cool new song from nickelbeck "Rockstar"... it rocks alright... we move our hands and head to the cool beat...

yup my girl is talented as me when it comes to music...

so we both wish ya all a good weekend and be good ! or if u have to be bad be good at it ! lol

hey hey i wanna be a rockstar!

everything will be fine

angie and julia

say something nice...

scott fears for his reputation... that you all think bad of him now... i didnt just say negative things about him... didnt i?... well u gotta understand i was hurt... i still feel the same way though...

i talked to teena today... and when it came to say something positive she immediately said " he makes people laugh "... yeah... i know that... i experienced that... many times

that is attractive in a man... i cant be with one that doesnt have a sense of humour... and scott does...he is fun to be around... so his friends are lucky...

another thing that attracted me is how he treats his kids... he is a WONDERFUL dad !!
i told him that so many times before... a guy u wanna have kids with

he is funny, charming, made me laugh, made me cry, loved me, hurt me, healed me, made me weak, made me strong, made me feel loved...

so he has his bad moments... in good and in bad right?

we will see what will happen....


today i logged in to an old yahoo account of mine... and i saw that there was a friend online i havent talked to since quite a while... yes i said... its nice to know people do still remember you after all these years....

so he tells me about his musical ambitions... he is in a band now... heavy metal... not my type of music but i´ll support him all the way...its wonderful if u have a passion for something and u can live it out...

so as i was online talking to him... a guy wanted to add me ... i saw his profile and thought he looked familiar... another musician?... malaysian?... hmmm... it was actually one of his band mates who sat beside him and liked what he saw... musicians... sigh...quite funny guys...think i am too old for being a groupie lol...

so do me a favour and listen to their music...have fun surfing through their myspacesite....experience something new...

Marry me ?

i checked out an email addy i have the other day and saw lots of mails from a site i registered ... u know ... the ones u get by mail from friends who invite ya...but never went to a while ago...

so i opened them and wow.... must i be the most beautiful and desiring woman in the world... i was laughing so hard... i will share some with ya...

out of my mailbox...messages me and millions other girls must have gotten... do they sell those mails somewhere?... i deleted lots of em but the funniest, obvious ones i kept to have a laugh....

Hello Beautiful,

I first must say how excited I am to be here impressing is what i describe your profile as wen i read your page..a near perfect description of what i desire in a woman i see in u and all,even your pix goes a long way in describing the quintessential­­ underlying beauty any man would seek for in a woman ...i think i like your type of person..I'm a down to earth God fearing man and im from Lagos Nigeria..28 urs and i have never been married and i dont have kids but i love kids and im 5, 11tall, i love to cook and read books.i would like to know u better and be good friend with u and am sure something deeper will spring from there...My name is David as u already know just to let you know the kind of man i am,i am a sensitive, intelligent, patient and caring loving Guy and I'm an easy-going, very simple,down to earth and principled guy too, I like being gentle and also loving ... David

I came accross
your profile which I personally find interesting and charming and decided to
drop you few lines just to say hi,I am looking for a long term relationship in a
lady of your kind who unerderstands the
need to love and be loved. I have taken
time to see the age difference b/w us but
this is really within my choice of age
range and I have no problems with that.I sincerely find you and will be very
happy if you can send me an email

hello how u doing baby. i think u are cute, u mind add me to ur yahoo messager, if u wish here my id .....@yahoo­.com. to having a partnership with you, baby. am looking forward to ur email. I want to thank you so much for allowing me to feel the greatest feeling I have ever felt, and I promise to cherish it and always love you and do my best to keep you happy. I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me. Thank you for everything you have done for me! And I am looking forward to the life we will share together.

hello ???? reality check... everything i have done for him? when? where? looking forward sharing our lives together.... oh i think i am in love.... sigh....and i mean so much to him... does he know my name?....

scaring is that there are girls out there who will answer and believe those words... COMMON GIRLS !!!!!!

just read them and have a laugh... don´t fall for it ! oh men we laughed so hard....have some self confidence ...

everything will be fine ( gotta run check my inbox there.... me... the beautiful one lol )



been on a while now and didnt have time to blog... promise i will later...was listening to an australian radio station... really funny... scott is off to sleep and i am off to make lunch... MAHLZEIT !


what a sad day... its been 6 years already... so many people had to die... even worse bush took this as an excuse to invade iraq... we still dont know the truth about 9/ i read many books... saw some documentations... it all was very scary... i believe there are many things that we will never know...

the states played a big part in it... i believe they let it happen... and took their own steps in their own interests... money still rules over rules the world...

but so many dead people... how can they live with it?

the true heroes who won a battle are the passengers from flight United 93...

the states play a foul game... bush is the puppet... look at the mistakes he made in sydney... we dont see the powerful people who are behind him... but it affect all of us... not just the poor americans....


My boobs...

so... he has a nose for it... gosh... as i was doing fine... accepting things... finding my way of happiness... he messages me... and i answer... yesterday night ( he was at work...what else ?)... we had a nice conversation...until....

he asked me a q...if i would do something for him... so... as i was surprised that he would ask me...after he is not my man anymore... and he doesnt know what he wants... i think what to say...
i ask him...."Do u still have contact with that girl in any way?"
he said then... "Yes, she wrote me an email and i answered her"

aha... he spoke the truth for once....
silence on my side....

then he messages that he knows that i am upset and mad now....
i was not.... honestly not...

so... he wants me to do something intimate for him... and he doesnt get himself to take a stand when it comes to me....
did he tell her about me?... that he loves me?... dont think so...

so he was horny... ooohhhhhhh.... there we go
he wanted to share that with me?

i try to talk to him many times.... and he was busy, tired, out, driving, at work.... chose one...

but now he feels he needs me and there is angie???
i was well... speechless at times... he apologised... saying my tits are the reason...
yay for me huh...i know i have big REAL boobs... and i know this is heaven for him... too bad huh

oh... gotta go... will continue later


i am ok...

sorry i troubled a few of you faithful readers... i am really doing ok... just had a really bad day... it´s just i feel he is still having contact with this girl and he is denying it... he broke so much and it hurts... i dont understand why he would lie to me...

but... my weekend was fine... had fun seeing our boys wining 2:0 yesterday... we beat freaking FCHard... yeahhhhh!!!!!!!!!

then... i put my fave cd in... turn volume up real loud and dance to Sunrise avenue
"Forever yours"........they rock... i am shouting these words to scott !!!!!!!!

i added the song here and the lyrics... so all you girls out there who feel the same...... rock with me !!!!!!!!!!

There are times I can leave my heart wide open
There are days I believe I can heal wounds on me

There are times I could come to you and hurt you
Avenue I could easily bring you tears
I could send you to hell, I know you

I will find something more
Someone I am made for
Yours Shame on you baby
Forever yours

You were mine and I was yours for one night
You were mine and there is no one who's like me

These screams they wake me up in the night
They violently fill my room
They keep me away. I hate you

I will find something more
Someone I am made for
Shame on you baby
Forever yours

Forever Yours....
Forever Yours

I will find something more
Someone I am made for
Shame on you baby
Forever yours

Forever yours...

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Being happy...

Your bus is late. That "makes" you unhappy.
You blame the world for starting your day on a low note.
You look around, and notice that none of the commuters look as frustrated as you feel.
Surely, many of them will be late because of the bus`s tardiness?

It strikes you that if all are facing the same situation, what differs is the state of mind.
But surely, you are not to blame?
You analyse who is to blame.It cannot be the bus itself.
It might be the driver's fault.
But you realise that playing the blame game doesn't make you any happier.
And if it isn't the driver's fault, it must be your fault for making yourself unhappy.

Even if you "prove" the whole world to be at fault, it doesn't make you any happier.
The foolish think they are victims of circumstances, while the wise see how the foolish victimise themselves with the circumstances.

It is not that others make you unhappy, but your thoughts about what they say and do (or not) that makes you so.
So, unhappiness comes from your thoughts.

The good news - you control your thoughts.
You can change your mind – about how you perceive things.
If you wish others to treat you well, you have to first treat yourself well.
This would include not imagining others can ever "make" you unhappy.

This also means that others cannot give you happiness – you have to decide to be happy.
Happiness depends on how you condition your mind internally; not external conditions. The Buddha described himself to be like a lotus – though growing within mud, which symbolises adversities and defilements, he blossomed untainted.

It is alright to try to change others (or the situation) for the better – but you should always be the priority – change yourself first.
If not, not only might you fail to change others, you will be unhappy when others remain unchanged.
But if you have changed yourself, you will be happier already – even if others try to "make" you unhappy.Your life in the moment reflects your mind. Change your mind and your life changes instantly.For instance, a late bus is a perfect opportunity to plan the day or simply relax.Why let it frustrate you?



i feel so stuck... lost... i wish i would know how to get better... i sent him an email... he didnt answer (said in sms he saw it though)... bet if kristine sent one he would answer it... oh
not him... daniel would answer it... my bad

But if I wanted silence
I would whisper
And if I wanted loneliness
I'd choose to go
And if i liked rejection
I'd audition
And if I didn't love you
You would know

there is so much held up inside of me that has to get out...
but he is not available...
he is when he wants to...
but if i dont answer the phone he freaks at times...

And why can't you just hold me
And how come it is so hard
And do you like to see me broken
And why do I still care,
still care
You say you see the light now
At the end of this narrow hall
I wish it didn't matter
I wish I didn't give you all

damn... i am actually crying as i write this
guess he pretty much messed me up
he is so cold and so far away
i know he still talks to this girl
he always finds excuses
but why lie to me?
he broke so much
i trusted him and he broke so much
now there is always this feeling of being lied to

Poor little misunderstood baby
No one likes a sad face
But I can't remember life without him
I think I did have good days

everything will be fine



SMS... for a while it was a torture to write em... now i am ok with them again... i haven´t answered scotts messages for a while now... yesterday i did... i answered his sms... i knew he would be still sleeping... but he will see it when he wakes up...

so... sabine went to italy for a week with her mom... good luck girl... you need all the luck you can get... i know she will have a great time.... i took a late bubble bath... and when i got out it was about 11:45pm... yeah thats a late one... i looked at my phone and no response yet... well... he must be sleeping in....

maybe he has a free day... so i got comfty on my sofa... watched some tv... and when i got tired around 1 am ( 9 am his time !!!)... i decided to send him a last one saying night....

when i wrote it... in the minute i sent it... i knew... it dawned... i knew this situation from before...
i just knew i would get a message now...

can u guess?... yup... a short something like... "helping jodie move, busy,didnt see phone till now, have a good sleep "

hmmm.... so....
he woke up... didn´t look at the phone...
saw it but had no time to say something to me?
guess i´ll h have to believe he didn´t look at his phone until the very
moment i said i would go to sleep !

and he would feel safe to say good night
since i was tired and wouldn´t start a conversation with him!

does that sound mean? sorry
but it happend so many times before...
sigh... just one time i wanted to talk to him
i do think i expect too much of him huh


am so tired... came home... well very early this morning... we were at Andys yesterday... he cooked and we spent a wonderful evening together... Byron cared for julia... i slept on the sofa since he was in my bed when i came home... now i am tired people... nothing much happend today... since i rememberd what Scott always used to tell me " Angel... drink lots of water before u go to sleep when u drank too much !"... i did... yup... i felt ok when i woke up... now i will watch tv with Sabine.... Mr. Sexy himself George Clooney is on... lets see who falls asleep first...
Hope everybody had a good weekend !

everything will be fine


Steve Irwin...

i just read on Teenas blog that it has already been 1 Year since Steve has tragically died... wow... 1 Year already... years go by so fast... i remember the day when i heard of his dead... i think Scott told me... or did i see it on TV first?... well... i remember that i cried and i felt so sad... he was such a wonderful person... i always told scott that steve is the only aussie who is dangerous to him... we used to joke about it... 1 year... wow... right now there is no show of him on any channel here... thats too bad... i used to love watching him jump at anything that moves on the ground...

we will always remember you steve... your daughter is doing so great being on tv...