2:0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we went to see our boys play and it was darn cold...
so we sat there...
winter jacket...
gloves and scarf and a cup of tea in our hands...
and they won for us!!! yeah!!!
and ma babe shot both goals... even a bigger YAYYY!
we made some pics ... will publish em later!
now i am off cause someone has been good and gets a reward! wink wink ;-)

everything will be good!

you are no loss...

You stalked all those years waiting to pounce
like mary, you'd comfort then judas, renounce
seeking some light of guidance
i saw your dagger glint
and boy did you kick
when i hit the floor
your fake sympathy
kicked my ears even more
growing rich from my toil
like i worked in your shop
the good old days
you used to bind me like rope
dragged me through traitor's gate
talking of hope
my cards you revealed
when i was winning the game
you shot me with arrows
from nostalgias bow
the rules to this sick game
only you seemed to know
from 'high' all the time
then to stooping this low
you played at being my friend
now confess how you gagged
with envy, swallowing my success
you laughed loud, i was finished
when i laid down to rest
my weakness, your banquet
how your table's been blessed
i need all your hurt
like a hole in my head
i gave you one thousand percent
of my trust and my most private feelings for you,
i would defrost
i crowned you with light
maybe too hastily
there was never a problem
who took and who gave
but you killed off our friendship
so let it rot in its grave
the bed is so stoney
when innocence dies
you held your nose and through ambition
you'd wade how can you dig for gold
when your spade's not a spade?
you suffered in silence
in full combat stance 'et tu brute'
you stabbed me when you saw your chance
i need all of your hurt
like a hole in my head !

Non excisting....

just as i wrote something nice about the end he turned around and put a knife in my back...

well if i am honest i should have known... no i didn´t know he would throw me out there so he can look good or not have to argue with anyone... i know he never had a problem with hurting my feelings... yeah i am not there and couldn´t bother him... he doesn´t like to fight with people and does everything to avoid it... but to put a knife in my back and throw me out there?

back then he said i was stalking him to not get into an arguement with karen... afterward to me he said he was trying to protect me... how?
he made a promise and broke it knowing i would forgive him anyways...
is it my fault?
i put myself out there... i had no problem standing up for him... he never did...
a weak person... well its the end for me...

he overdid himself! so low! wow!
i don´t care about what he did or didn´t do... cheated on me or not... that doesn´t matter to me... but what he did on saturday was worse ...

he killed us! he does not excist for me anymore! so this is the end!he is no loss!
i wish him good luck with his new girl...

I hope the ring you gave to her Turns her finger green!
I hope when you're in bed with her you think of me!
Does it hurt To know I'll never be there?
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere!
It was you Who chose to end it like you did !

Never again will I hear you!
Never again will I miss you!
Never again will I fall to you !
Never !!!!
Never again will I kiss you!
Never again will I want to!
Never again will I love you!
Never! !!!

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Taking a break...

hey my faithful readers,

as u could read in my last blog entries that there is some drama heading my way and already partly hit me. So i decided to take a break for a while. I don´t want and need all this in my life.

Scott and me talked quite a bit lately and we are ok with the choices we made. He couldn´t hold on any longer since he needed me so much right there with him and let go. I understand his reasons... now i do. He needed somebody there and kinda replaced me with an australian girl. Sounds cruel huh but thats the way it is. I am not mad at him. I know what he felt. I felt the same way. Knowing there is somebody u love so much and not being able to hold and feel that person. It was hard. We did it for a long time and then it was too much.

He has now a girl in his life who i hope makes him very happy. I do know Scotts faults and i hope he won´t repeat them. I´ll try to tell him what not to do but well... he is a man after all. And a stuborn and proud one too.

I too have a man in my life who makes me smile. Who is fun to be around. Who treats me like his Queen. It would be unfair to him too letting this drama hit me. He has been patient already and i thank him for that.

so let Scott and me live our lives. We tried and we couldn´t make it. We did the best and loved each other with all our heart. What´s going on and has been going on between scott and me, stays between scott and me and i hope u all understand that.

i love u all dearly and i am not mad at anyone. I need my time away and will be back when i am ready. I will try to hop in and blog once in a while.

Everything will be fine!


So called friends....

gosh what a day... last days... so much information coming my way... but the most about a particular person... a so called friend... i always tried to be nice to the person... i had nothing against her.... that person never did anything wrong... i thought... scott always told me to be careful... i told him i have no problem with that person... but now i found out that person has been decieving and playing with peoples feelings...

gosh i am so angry right now... so upset... that person tried to hook scott up with somebody else while we were together? i thought i fall off the chair when i heard it... hey the good thing is that i know now that he was always faithful... he didnt even know it was a set up... i do believe him... that person even told him i was not good for him... yup u heard right....

now u know how upset i am... that person told me that scott is no good for me... so i ask myself what intention this person had... whatever have i done to be played like this?... have i been rude to that person?.... ignored that person?... i know i was always nice... trusted that person... and it hurts now to find out how i got betrayed...

gosh i need to get some air... i´ll blog more when i calmed down

in all this i found a new friend and thank u for being there for me! listening to my shit! and i am not mad at you! not at all!

i gotta go... hit a pillow ... throw some things...

but i promise you...

Everything will be fine ( hell yeah)


you are in love ?

Now after Scott and me talked yesterday night B took me in his arms and told me everything will be alright... and i believed him... we smiled at each other and i could see the love in his eyes... and i felt butterflies in my tummy... i am falling in love with this man.... so as we were laying there watching tv together i heard a song in this movie i know from years back... Wilson phillips / you´re in love....wow... how strange to hear that... but it fits...

to scott....

Open the door and come in
I'm so glad to see you my friend
Don't know how long it has been
Having those feelings again.

And now I see that you're so happy
And , it just sets me free
And I'd like to see
Us as good of friends
As we used to be

my love, You're in love
That's the way It should be
'Cause I want you to be happy

You're in love
And I know
That you're not in love with me
it's enough For me to know
That you're in love
Now I'll let you go
'Cause I knowThat you're in love

Sometimes it's hard to believe
That you're never coming back to me
I've had this dream that you'd always be by my side
Oh I could have died.

But now I see that you're so happy
And , it just sets me free.
And I'd like to see Us as good of friends
As we used to be

I tried to find you but you were so far away
I was praying that fate would bring you back to me
Someday, someday, someday...

you're in love
Ooh it's enough For me to know
That you're in love
Now I'll let you go
'Cause I know
That you're in love!

good luck to you! i´ll always love u and i´ll always be there for you!
Your Angel

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Talking to an ex gf....

scott and me just talked and i found out a new few things... not just nice ones and i wont mention them here cause we found out that a certain somebody has been saying things to keep us apart... i am very dissapointed but i think we should have known....

we are proud of ourselves we held on so long and showed them all... nobody could break us up... they tried... but we stood strong and yeah we are proud of ourselves... and i know i speak in scotts name too ...

he is at his new girls place a lot... they might move in together soon... thats cool... he wants to keep a close friendship with me and will tell her all about me...

now dont get me wrong... i would like to keep a close friendship with him ... but... telling her his ex gf is still in the pic?... i wouldnt like that... i dont want to be a problem in their relationship...
he said he never turned his feelings off for me... now is that good or bad?

i hope this turns out good... he wont get into any troubles with her

its all so confusing... he is doing what he has to do... he doesnt want to be alone and he took the step to be with a girl...

he apologised for not holding on any longer... i understand it... i was in that boat too... we built up something good and i dont regret it...

i am tired... need to sleep... need to organise my thoughts and feelings... but how with that man waiting for me in my bed... am i moving on too fast? i am not scott... am i doing the right thing?

everything will be fine



do u know that feeling when u are really in love with somebody! u can´t imagine life without that other one! the person is always there! Tells u how much he needs u and that u saved him! Makes u feel the most important person in his world! could there ever be a life without that person? Can u imagine? i never could... i felt it

now.... i hear myself say... i am happy u found a girl who makes u happy.... WHAT? did i really say that? impossible a few weeks ago... heartbreak...my soulmate... touching somebody else...saying i love you to another girl... smiling at her...laughing with her... WAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Hell! .... but... there is a life after scott.... and i am living it!
and he is living without me too!

does he feel the same way? i know he did after we broke up. he couldnt stand to know i was with somebody. now he is with somebody else too...he told me he is tempted to say Angel to her but he hasn´t yet and will never, cause that is me... to him that is me... Angel... a tear rolled down... reminded me why i was with him... the caring, loving, funny, charming guy who loves so much to have an own family... we had plans... we had this passion for each other...
i have to say i was jealous... i wanted to be the one...now...

i wake up in the morning beside a man that is not scott... and it feels ok... this man is making me happy and loving me... i hope i can give it back to him

yesterday night we talked about this.... the strangest feeling... i still love him but i can say with all my heart...I HOPE SHE MAKES U HAPPY!!!

everything will be fine


FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: are the reason you have no food.

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM

FAKE FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you sayin "Damn ... we fucked up ... but that shit was fun!"

FAKE FRIENDS: never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: cry with you

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: keep your shit so long they forget its yours.

FAKE FRIENDS: know a few things about you
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"

FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don't waste."

FAKE FRIENDS: will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!!

i saw this and instantly thought about sabine! We already have this! Isn´t it great to know there is somebody who always has your back? LOVE YOU girl!

Everything is so fine


he woke me saturday morning....

so so so....hmmm so so.... how was your weekend my friends?
well i gotta say mine was pretty interesting....

saturday morning, around 8:30am i get woken by a sms....
gosh i hoped it wasn´t sabine wanting to go shopping already lol (ya i know sabine!!!)
so i opend the message and its from .... any guess?.... common try harder.... yeah?
yes... from Scott.... he was already rotten drunk... ok... i knew he was at Oktoberfest with his mates getting drunk but i wasnt counting on him messaging me...

so we talked quite a lot while he was there getting drunk and drunker... i have to say i do worry about him when he gets like this... he knows i am and usually lets me know when he is home safe...

later that saturday i was pretty busy and forgot about it... SORRY!
we went to see our boys play.... they won 1:0 and we are number 4 now !!!!!!!!!!

WE ARE NUMBER 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( well for this week sigh... hope they can stay on that place !)

so they won and my babe was in good mood... we went out at night and had a wonderful time... i spent the night at his place....
and.... after midnight my phone peeps... a message... i thought NO FUCKING WAY.... HOW DOES HE KNOW WHAT I AM DOING AGAIN????.... its always been like this since we broke up... he just always knew when something was happening.... so it would be rude to look at the message while... well u know what... so i forgot about it and checked it when i woke up hearing another peep at 5:30 am....

oh well.... he was sound asleep beside me and so i looked at the message.... with one eye open...
it was from teena.... ended friendship with scott?... what ? who? where?... so i opend my other eye lol... and asked her why.... OH MY! ok ... the girls were out and one sent a pic of her boobs to him as a dare and he got in problems with his girl?... there is a girl?... now that is funny...

so they got into a fight... i messaged scott too but he was still sleeping having a really bad hang over... later on he told me everything was ok... today i asked him and he was being rude to me... oh well...

i know i would be pissed too if i would still be his girlfriend... but since thats not the case i am not mad at the girls... it didnt bother his new girl that he messaged me all evening... hmmmm... strange story....

i know how he gets when he is drunk and i hope he wasnt too rude to teena!

i also got a sad message from Manfred saturday... his grandma died... she was in a coma for 8 years and i think it is better like this... still ... one funeral to go this week... i promised him...

Andy is being a charmer once again... i´ll get ya one day mister!!! i´ll try to be nice in vienna!! lol

and great news............ AL GORE won the peace nobel price !!! way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!

everything will be fine


Have a great weekend....

i wish u all a great weekend!!! to teena HAPPY BDAY and i hope not too much stress moving !

And remember to kick Scott!!!!!!!!!

Love you all

mwah... and rock to this song... i love it!!!

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Happy b-day Teena....

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Happy birthday to my australian friend Teena ! May all your dreams come true... blessings and love girl....

Breast Cancer....

Yes girls it´s once again time for me to talk to you about breast cancer... it is so important to know about it... do u self examine your breasts every month after your period??? U DON´T?????.... shame on you!! and i really mean it... its easy and fast to do... u need to take care of yourself girls....

did u know ......

RISK FACTORS- No one knows the exact causes of breasts cancer, but research has shown that women with certain risk factors are more likely than others to develope the disease.

they include...

- older age, half of all women diagnosed are over age sixty-five
- early onset of menses or late menopause
- diets high in saturated fat
- older age at birth of first child or never having any given birth
- a personal history of breast cancer or benign breast disease
- a family history, particulary a mother or sister
- Treatment with radiation therapy to the breast/chest
- breast tissue that is dense or mammogram
- taking hormones such as estrogen and progesterone
- obesity
- moderate alcohol intake - more than 2 drinks per day
- gene changes, including BRCA1, BRCA2 and others

Now to the symptoms ladies.... i don´t wanna bore u but this is important stuff for us...u still with me here? i hope so.....

Generally, early breast cancer does not cause pain. Even so, a woman should see her health care provider about breast pain or any symptoms that wont go away.

* a change in how the breast or nipple feels

u may experience nipple tenderness or notice a lump or thickening in or near the breast or in the underarm area!

* a change in how the breast or nipple looks

this could mean a change in size or shape of the breast or nipple that is turned slightly inward.In addition, the skin of the breast, areola or nipple may appear scaly, red or swollen or may have ridges or pitting that resembles the skin of an orange.

* nipple discharge

u dont know how to make a self examination?

do me the favour ! it´s quick and easy !

everything will be fine

Angie ( who did a self examination just this morning !!!)

yeah i am having a good day! am so looking forward to our trip to Vienna. 9 hours in a train and i am looking forward to it!! can u believe it? we will rock vienna. gonna go out and paint the town red.the only thing is i wont see my babe. He´ll manage without me i know!

but the things is... i feel free...its weird... i still love scott but i dont miss him anymore... well ok once in a while ... yeah yeah ... but i let him go... I AM DOING FINE!!!!!

lets hope this feeling wont go away... he was an important person in my life... and he left a wide gap... but he is still there... somewhere.....

my girl got a big german exam today! GOOD LUCK JULIA!!

everything will be fine



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hey everybody!!!!!! how was ya weekend? mine was good! had a tummy pain though since saturday lunch time... but i am feeling better now... didnt keep me from seeing the boys play yesterday... 6:2 YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.... gave us some good points...moving up in the list... it was a sunny but cold weekend... we went to the soccer place by bike

now is monday... sigh... drex messaged me today... longtime friend...nice talking to him... and i hope everything is ok with another australian friend whose child got abused... THINKING OF YOU !!!!

autumn is here... colours of the leaves are changing... its so beautiful to see... i love autumn... have a lot of meetings at night this week... sigh... starting with today... schoolforum... and then a lot of budget meetings... WAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

but everything is fine...saw my babe yesterday...

everything will be fine



Today is the birthday of my best friends son... Deniz.
He turns 6 today!!!!!!! wow!!!!!!!!!
sabine made him 3 cakes that looked like turtles. i´ll put a pic up here if she made one of em.she put a lot of work in it and i think he will be the star in kindergarden today!!!!!!!!!!


He did it again...


when i logged on i was surprised to see scott on... havent talked to him in ages.... so i thought i would say Hello.... gosh was that a mistake... i should have knows he would mess with me...

the first thing was that he thought it was weird that it said he was logged on at somebody elses pc and then i popped up.... I AM NOT CHECKING YOUR FREAKING EMAILS DAMNED!!!!!!!!!!

i am not interested... i am NOT KAREN!!!.... i am sick of hearing him asking me that... so i told him to change his pw and to make it a good one...

so i turn my cam on thinking he would be happy to see me... then i realised he probably would ask to see my boobs.... No i think then... he wouldnt ask... why should he??

can everybody guess what happend???? he did ask... yup... and he gave me the usual "making me feel guilty" treatment when i didnt wanna do it... he doesnt get what he wants he gets pissed

so i felt bad... he didnt understand why... i cried... yup on cam... i know i shouldnt have... but couldnt hold it back...

another friend of mine was talking to me, Daniel from Miami... he was asking what was up and i told him... he saw me cry on cam too...sheeze...he was trying to cheer me up...

scott and me got into a small arguement... he said i am so negative about everything... same old bla bla... told him i heard some opinions from friends in australia....

gosh i dont wanna bother u with all this.... i am just so frustrated... i turned the cam off and he tried to call me... so he made me pick up the phone and it didnt help us... i didnt contact or call him for a reason... protecting myself....

told him then i am dating a guy again... gosh why i did that i dont know... he went quiet...

am so wound up... thoughts running through my head... i am so unsure... what to think and feel...

so he hung up on me....

Daniel said that scott is an EXboyfriend... and that ex is for a reason... lol daniel... thank u for cheering me up...

Lies never did anything but start two world wars
I never said I didnt love you..
you just make it hard for me to do so
I'm gonna sign out
talk to you some other time
good luck with your new bloke
hope he makes you happy
Sorry I am such an arsehole to you

so he went off... or just offline... who knows...

after a while he came back and sent me this....

I'm sorry for everything
Madness :
I guess I loved you more than I realised, and now... I lost it all

COMMON!!!! why does he do it????? always....

gotta go.....:(

everything will be fine ( i promise)



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Having a terrible headache today... i should get more sleep... but now i have all these party meetings at night... budget conference is coming up... should seriously do more for myself... cant wait for the weekend...

oh wait... thursday is Deniz´s birthday... he will turn 6.. wow... gotta get a present for him... Sunday we´ll go watch soccer again... hope we have nice weather...i should be going to an event tonight... but i think i´ll stay home

last week as i was telling julia that i wont be home at night (once again sigh, ya i know)... she sat beside me... reading the tv program... she turned to me and asked...mummy... will u be home at 9:15pm?... OMG... i was laughing so hard... so she is checking how long she can stay up... so... i got her a babysitter... lol... i know she will be but we have rules... NO TV after 8pm on weekdays... gosh i love her

really dont know what to blog today...ah.. teena called me this morning... with good news... glad they got the idiot out... the media can be a powerful weapon... why shouldnt we use it too?

Aims messaged me today... we had a conversation and it was fun... she heard Sunrise Avenue here and loved em... Fairytale gone bad... you know it! Welcome here aims!

Monday... sigh...

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so.. its monday once again lol... how was ya weekend everyone?... hope u had a good one... mine was boring as usual... ya i know... i´ll get my behind off the couch one day and go out with the guy...TOM I HEARD U!

friday i got a little shocked... well sabine too as julia asked us if she was fat... OMG!
where did that come from???... she is not fat... far from it... but she is feeling social pressure now that the boys begin to have interest in her?... we are no KATE MOSS´s around here... and
proud of it... but how can u make a girl understand that its not the looks that count...
and to the blokes the looks do count... forget them!

sabine made her stand in front of a mirror and take a look at her... she is so beautiful... she asked her what she does like about her... she said... her eyes (beautiful long eye lashes, and yup she discovered my black mascara... sigh), her pretty face, her beautiful long hair (curly and she keeps bugging me to have it straightend NOOOOO!)... her other womanly features that are blooming... yup she will have big ones like her mummy... she doesnt like her belly, her legs... oh man... TEACH YOUR KIDS TO LOVE THEMSELVES!

LOVE YOURSELVES GIRLS! have personality, humour, self esteem... u dont live your life for others... just for yourself! be happy with yourself...

man that almost broke my heart... i know now what to do... i do tell her everyday since she was born how beautiful she is... guess that isnt enough...

everything will be fine