scott has the kids this weekend. they are asleep now. he is a wonderful father. i already told him, if it works out with us ( and it will!!!) i want another child. he´d be the perfect father. but the thing is. he wants to get married. first marriage and then children. now thats something huh?
says a lot bout him. but when i see him with his kids i know he is the one.

this week i was really pissed at him. i didnt wanna talk to him. it was a misunderstanding. but it hurt. i actually sat there and cried. grrrrrrr. he said he considers himself single. SINGLE. so i thought. F*** him!! then i am single too.

we tried to get well hmmm intimate over the phone. but it never works. there´s always something going wrong. and this time my phone went out and right away i got a call. thinking it was scott i answered it well , i was talking dirty. auweiiaaa. it was somebody else and he got turned on. again. ( it was the guy i kissed loosing a bet). scott was pissed at me kissing another guy but he calmed down. so the guy turns up at my door with flowers all turned on. Shreeekkk. why does this always happen to me??? Simon- ahm. sorry if i turn u on a lot lately. really not my intention. but i am with scott and i love him.

and simon, to about ur girl i have to say. " Dont u wish your girlfriend was hot like me??? Dont u wish your girlfriend was raw like me!!"
u know what i mean. lol.

oops i gotta go. am being picked up. going out tonight. but dont tell scott !!! it´s a secret


Time: 11:09pm
Wearing: shorts and t-shirt
Drinking: nada
Missing: Scott
Person i last talked to: sabine
I want to: feel scotts hands on me
Now i: go to sleep
2morrow i: will bake a cake, ah nah, i will do nothing


Lee Ryan- Army of lovers
Söhne Mannheims- zurück zu dir

I am trying to find: Alex Lloyd- Amazing

good night ppl

old posts

OH MY GOD !!! I shouldn´t be doing this. This hurts. My old posts. NO i have to. It´s ok.
It´s all good.

luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: are u happy when u are with karen?
madness181_69: being my self is what got me into this mess
madness181_69: yes...she makes me happy....

luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: how is ya gf?
madness181_69: we broke up..
madness181_69: she had issues..
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: oh no
madness181_69: but I um...
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: sorry to hear
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: but u um?
madness181_69: went back to..
madness181_69: umm
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: dont say karen
madness181_69: :-S
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: u went back to kitty?
madness181_69: yes
madness181_69: makes ya mad
madness181_69: doesnt it
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: not mad
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: makes me feel like shit
madness181_69: I thought it would
madness181_69: what happened to your bloke?
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: i broke up with him
madness181_69: ok
madness181_69: you never said
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: was it important?
madness181_69: no
madness181_69: i mean here on line
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: omg
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: i lost cause i wasnt online?
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: u know why i wasnt online
madness181_69: you dont get it..
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: and u knew how to contact me
madness181_69: you were busy
madness181_69: I know..
madness181_69: i contemplated that for so long
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: oh u mean she shows and i dont show myself naked and all
madness181_69: hey...
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: well i am sorry....i am just not like that
madness181_69: no thats not it
madness181_69: and its not fair
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: u asked me to be fair?
madness181_69: no i didnt
madness181_69: Angie..
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: i dont know what i have done to you so u treat me like that.....hurting me like this
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: but i have to accept
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: dont worry
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: i accept
madness181_69: I missed you heaps
madness181_69: really i did
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: u missed me so much u went back to karen
madness181_69: I just considered you had finished with me
madness181_69: thought you were happy with what was happening in your life..madness181_69: after I hurt you so much
madness181_69: I never knew that I would ever be considered again
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: u knew
madness181_69: i did not
luv_it_when_u_call_me_miel: but u didnt want too
madness181_69: I knew we would always be friends

Hurricane Katrina

Horrible pictures when u turn your TV on. Makes the floodings that happend here a week ago look like kindergarden. Here (vorarlberg/austria) also ppl died. Many lost all they had.
Houses, businesses, a life´s worth of work. Ur tempted to turn away. U get immune to the pics on TV every day. That shouldnt happen.

Hopes Bush takes actions. Changes his climate politics. this wont be all if they dont change the climate politic.


Scotts sms made me smile yesterday.

"Morning baby. Had the strangest MF dream last night.
We got married.
But not your normal everyday wedding."

5:13 am

"Morning babe.
wow u did? How did we get married?
Hey, u didnt even ask me yet!"


"It was in a church. Lots of ppl.
But the ceremony was strange. Not usual.
But would u marry me if i asked you?"


at this point i called him and shouted YESSSSS into the phone. LOL.
But no worries. He doesnt know yet, but i want him to think about how he proposes to me.

Just a clue mr. missen. U on your knees. Romantic athmosphere. Flowers. Music. And the rest i think bout when i stop crying. Ah damn why do i have to be so emotional?????

I know him for so many years now. And he still surprises me.

And guys sometimes he suffers lots with me. Yeah i know. I wanna talk lots. It gets better i swear. But so many things i need to talk about. And he is so patient.

The same old story over and over again. Don´t know why i cant let it go. But i always feel i did something wrong. I know Scott, u tell me over and over again that it wasnt me.

But i didnt see it coming, yeah i know i didnt expect it, but... well i dont know. It still hurts.

Trouble in paradise

- and he didnt even know. Or did he? i was pissed at him. i wanted his attention, he wanted his peace and watch TV. i was pissed. It might sound like i am a spoiled girl. NOOOO!!!


He is damn far away and i grab every opportunity i get to be close to him. I am not good at this long distance thing i said that b4. Wahhhhh!!!!!!!!!

I need my girl Darlene!!!! I need her advise. I miss u girl. i will call u as soon as i can. U made it work and i have lots of respect.


Didnt wanna bitch PJ sorry.

pj´s comment

Just checked out pjs blog. wohoo. well. right now i am a lil hurt. didnt want to make him feel uneasy or hurt too. i ask him things cause i care. maybe i should just bla bla with him. the beginning was so nice and i had to smile. HE IS important to me. No need to worry bout the 40 thing pj. ur out of that. feel better??

Angie Callin'
It musta been in the wee mornin hours of Tuesday that my mobile rang and an unknown 019 number appeared on my cell. So I thought hey this must be someone crazy I dont know or someone crazy I do know calling from far far away on a VOB callcard..

And so it was.. Angie Honey calling me up again all the way from Austria. She sounded half asleep anyway but we dragged on for a bit..That's an ok talktime for a callcard aye.. Haha..

At a time when everyone close to my heart has somehow all disappeared and it's been a while since I talked to a familiar voice, Angie would always be there ery now and then. She's so far away but no matter how long we both would be out of touch she would always make a point to come talk to me on the phone somehow.

I hope in this very near future I could return her kindness by calling her up ery now and then too because of the facilities I have now. Well I did try a few times last week and on my Call Cards this week but I just cant seem to get through her number. We'll resolve that soon I hope.

She asked me then and at her blog.. How my love life is.. Gosh.. Cummon fuck Angie. You know i'm always so fucked up aye so dont ask. It hurts without you askin and it hurts even most when you do. So fuck up..

And she's always sayin well hey Peee JJay.. "If I turn 40 and I'm still havin' problems with my love life, I'll marry you.."Owh man I am soo touched.. Well heyyy to you.. You sure made my day ayee.. TTTTTTTThhhhhhanxxxxx a mil.. sure sure.. Yada Yada Yada.. Nada Nada Nada..