The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found out a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
shezzzeeee. am still looking for the lyrics of this song.

"the reason" is very special to me. the story behind this is a man asking for forgiveness and for understanding. he called me one day and played me the song on the phone. i knew the song b4. but now it has a new meaning. every single word comes from scott´s heart. its´s like him singing to me. i admit i had to cry. i hope he didnt hear it. he never mentioned me crying so phewww.
its romantic and he know i am a terrible romantic woman. but what can i do. i just talked to him on phone ( wednesday 9:30pm). he is leaving for work now. hope u have a nice day.
awwwww pj. i got a call sayin i should check my blog. i know u wanna protect me. dont have time to post more now. i love him pj. just be there for me. ur my friend and u know ur important 2 me too. i'll try 2 call u again.

i wanted to have hoobastanks 'the reason' on the blog. it is special to me.

to the ppl who read this blog and know scott. 'its all good'

PJ-i didnt receive any of ur calls or sm. hope u doing ok. i wanna know what's up with u. whatcha doing? who u loving? beside me :)
its a rainy day here. once again. spent some time with scott. he told me something i have to chew on for a while i guess . groooowwwwlllllll
Owh ok now she's gone AWOL.. well anyway angie i hope u'll excuse my mouth btw.. i always have a problem to say the right things.. but u know i love you anyway.. i hope julia's fine.. i came in again a bit this Wensday morning.. This is my song btw..

If anythin' im always at my current blog aye.. u take curr..

dear angie:

got ur call again this evening round 5 ++ on my way back.. im so sorry again but i was driving and i couldnt get to the phone in time before you hung up.. im sorry. i called ur number but it said the T mobile is out of service or sumthin i donno.

i really cant help much on the blog these days cos i dont spend that much time online due to bla bla bla things i hafta to do.. but i'll try my best if you can just leave messages on what u wanna done, i try my best..

about ur personal relationship if that's what u were referring to as "did u read" and my support.. i dont really understand whats goin on cos im out of focus and out of synch. i would always support you any which way u'd turn and the way u were rambling about i think ur heading for another bad decision. i dont think u were ever good at makin decisions regarding ur personal relationships. but u'd never follow my advise anyway so i dont think it matters in the 1st place. support is not agreeing wif wat u do or the decisions u make. i support u in the sense that i wud never forsake you for every wrong or right decision u make and if there was a way for me to give more quality time to u i hope it will come some day soon.. i miss u..
eiiiiii.....didnt get ur sms....but i tried to call u quite a few times...wanna talk to you!!!!!!!!!!!!
hope u feeling alright.

scott was visiting my blog and he was alright with was he saw. did u read pj? hope u are alright with my decisions too. u have to trust me on this one. i know what i am doing. so please support me on this pj.

scott is sick. he just sms´d me. hope he is feeling better soon. wanna be there to care for him. just bought a new phone with mms function to make and send pics. and now they tell me it just works in austria. oh right. grrrrrrrrrrrrooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.
gotta sm back to scott and then go to sleep.

pj. wanna change a few things here. can u help??? i will mess it up.

am trying to get "the reason" from hoobastank.
thats scotts fave song. and it says exactly what he feels.
eyy angie baby im so sorry aight.. i got ur voice mail yesterday, wensday.. i been havin some problems wif my fon aight.. maybe next week it get better.. i tried to sms u once some time ago and it seemed to get through but you didnt reply.. so i cant be sure.. u take care aight.. muackkzzz****
Little things that bother me. Things u can change in a second. U not being there when i need u. Promises u make and dont keep. Small promises. Promised calls, letters and so on. Maybe i am giving it to much thoughts. But, it does bother me. Can i rely on you?

U said i shouldnt give up on you, even though things are complicated. And i won´t. I always keep my promises. I am trying to involve u in my daily life. At times i think it´s buggin u sometimes, although u swear it´s not.
Another thing, putting wrong meaning, wrong emotions in words and actions. (Babe i am not a moody bitch!!!)

Ystd i had a bad day. I didn´t call. I called u today and once again i woke u up. Sowwwy. I hoped u would ask what is wrong with me. But i heard u were tired. I understood.
Long distance relationships---do they work? I think i am not goot at it. My girl darlene did it-she´s happily married now. The distance kills me. I realized once again when he confesses to me him dating this girl. And i, once again, had no clue. He swears there was nothing. Can i blame him?
I always told him that he is a free man. I am not naive. I am not there. But many girls are, beautiful ones. And he is after all a man. Even a few weeks ago i still dated. Unaware of his strong feelings towards me now. I remember his sms saying: Babe i want u to be happy. And i do whatever i can to make sure of that. Even if it means u date other guys. I love you!
Still got the sm on my mobile.

I wonder, i really wanna know what was going on in him. When did i b ecome more than just a friend. I wanna know. But shouldn´t it just be enough 2 know i was always there in his heart?
I have so many questions to ask him.
About- Karen. He says that wasn´t him- he doesn´t know why it happend. But it happend.
I try to remember: we met, were friends, talked about everything. We connected right away. When it got hot between us we agreed to stay as far away from a online relationship as possible. I was still in a relationship-not happy as u can tell. but i felt content about the way our relationship grew. He even told me about picking up girls, him meeting his ex. Damn we talked about his sexlife. Yup. It was going fine. And then we messed it up. We took the step. I was single by then. Had a hard time and should´ve known better. But it seemed to go well.
Hmmmm, i thought so. Our online love.

He had his rooms he went to , so did i. I was a regular at KL1. Never controlled what he was doing, never followed him. Cause i didn´t want him to do that either. But damn i should have paid more attention. Yes, it was strange i always got booted when he took me with him to that room. Now i know it was her. She was jelaous. She had an eye on my man. I saw the signs, but ignored them. I knew him well enough to not be jealous. What i didn´t know was how weak he was. She had him under control.

One day he stopped talking to me. I saw he was online. I came into that chat room.
Oh boy, i still cry thinking bout that day. I had absolutely no idea what was coming my way.
He was there, but he didn´t say a word. That woman on the other hand said many words.
Like bullets. I was so shocked.
She said: stop stalking scott. and a few more things i don´t wanna repeat. I dont even wanna think about. And he said NOTHING. I was devastated. What had happend? No idea. Did he make such a fool out of me on purpose? All things he said. NO, no. I couldn´t be so wrong. I called him, crying, asking to tell me what happend.

Oh PJ was there for me. And i needed him. Scott broke my heart, among other things.
I thought, ya my fault. Why am i so stupid? He taught me a lesson and i will learn!!!

And surprise, his brother Brendon was there for me too. Talking to him was good for me. He cheered me up. Scott wasn´t to know Brendon and me had contact and i trusted Brendon.

Still saw Scott online, his comments beside his nick. Him being "a good boy" for Karen. I was hurting. What did she have that i don´t ? I had to accept that he choose to be with her. I was never betrayed like that. Nobody ever hurt me like that. I felt so naive. The more time i spent with Brendon the more I knew that wasn´t the real Scott acting. But he had broken everything i felt for him!

But i got to know how many real online friends i had. Offline i always had a safety net. But to have one online too surprised me. Pj, Darlene, Brendon, Jaff and so on.
Thanks to all of u !!!
Somebody else stepped into my life, who turns out to become important to me. A close friend. Jaiveer.

I rememberd a letter i sent to scott. By mail. A love letter. Yup i admit i am a hopeless romantic. I felt sick thinking of him actually reading the letter. All i could think of was how to stop him from reading, from getting to know what i felt. Damn, Brendon lived to far away to go and get it. Postal service said "Sorry nothing that we can do". I realized there was just 1 way. A way that was hard for me. I don´t know how long i sat there looking at his nick "madness".
Contact him, yes, no,yes, no,yes, no. Scared he wouldnt answer. I did it.
And- he did answer.

I tried to be as cool as possible. Asking him to send the letter back. Not to read it. And-he was so nice, so full of sorry, so-so Scott. All he could say that he is sorry and he didn´t mean to hurt me. Bla bla bla. But he did. I was so confused. What was going on with him? All i remember is us arguing, me asking what i did wrong (why do women always think they are the problem?),
him saying it was him not me.

But the one thing that stayed strongly on my mind: him not wanting to hurt nobody anymore, not Karen, nobody but hell- hurting me was ok?
And-he wasn´t fighting for me. He never did. That was the clearest sign for me how stupid all that was. I knew now how much i ment to him. It was clear.

And...though years later. Here i am. His girl. Scotts girl. He faught his way back into my life, my heart. Where he always was. I know that now.
Yeah maybe u think: how stupid is that woman? I heard that reaction many times. We went a long way. We both knew that "online relationships" couln´t work. Nevertheless we did it.

Now, well now i am cautious. I am protecting myself. I know Scott u are not happy to hear this. but u hurt me once. I know u asked me to decide if i trusted u again. You let me decide if there is an US or not. Still have so many questions and your ready to answer them. I am surprised how honest u are. And it helps me to trust u more. I do love u. We know each other so well now.

But still-the distance scares me. Not being there, u not being here when i need u.
But still the distance scares me. Not being
sitting: balcony
drinking: water
talked last on phone 2: Manfred
2day: my sis came 2 visit- i have to learn 2 love her more and dont just see the negative stuff-
i´m all she got
listening 2: miss J.Lo and No Angels ( there´s no angel inside of me-its all in your mind...what
u get boy aint what u see...aint that a surprise!)
i miss: Scott
i think about: Sabine and Deniz-hoping the surgery goes well
song on my mind: No Angels-Washes over me
... when the river of regret rushes past ur door will u give me just a thought and wish u
loved me more, well forgive me if i dream dote on memories but sometimes what might
have been washes over me... the colour of my lips after kissing u all night my hair was such
a mess by the time the morning came u held it up my neck, said u liked it best that way...
what might have been if she hadnt caught ur eye, wud i be the one u never leave, would
grow old by ur side?
can´t get rid of: Scott words-him talking about dating and i didn´t have a clue!!!!