still alive...

yup i am still alive... sorry i have been neglecting you my faithful readers... i just feel so tired and empty lately... lots of reasons... the one u intersted in is probably Scott...

i just dont know what to do... well i guess i do know what i should do... we talked again a little while ago... and he asked me why i love him... i told him... i asked him why he loves me... he said cause i never gave up on him... yeah he is right.... he is used to me being there... even when he screwed up... i was there... once i got him home from a bench at the train station when he was rotten drunk... from the other side of the world... i did such things for him... dont get me wrong... we both had our moods and he had his fits... but we never gave up...

i asked him if he thinks we would have lasted that long if we were actually together... i doubted that and he was upset and said of course... that was always his answer... it will be different when we are together... IT WILL BE DIFFERENT ONCE WE ARE TOGETHER...

so he tells me he wants to tell me something... my heart goes boom... i wasnt prepared for what i heard... he met someone else... he told her he loves her and he wanted to be with her... have a relationship... it didnt work out cause she went back to her abusive ex... WTF... why did he tell me that?.. yeah cause he wanted to let me know what he has been up to....

i guess my silence told him that he hurt me... or did he know?... he said he didnt love her... common... you dont wanna have a relationship with someone u dont love! am i an idiot?...

then he says me being with tom made him want to move on too... Hell no!!! i had a few dated... i never had a relationship... dont use me for a reason... gosh....

who is this man?? this is not scott... and if this is scott... damned... i mean i understand if he needed somebody to hold...

but dont fucking lie to me and say u dont have feelings for her !!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW U HAVE FUCKING FEELINGS FOR HER... dont tell me you dont!

u tell me u regret not being with me anymore... but you know what guys...i wouldnt take him back right now... not like this... i am in no danger to fall for him again... i love him .. yes...
but i am not his toy... it hurt him to know about tom? well tough luck... i never told tom i loved him...

i cannot have a relationship while i still love scott... something is going very wrong here...


the first time i feel scott is lying to me... betraying... not telling whats going on... i feel like i am plan B... i know u out there online and i know u tell her u miss her and u love her... i feel that...

its the feeling i have the last few days... not a "I miss Scott" feeling... i havent had that in a long time... its a "something is going on and he wont tell me" feeling...

Never again will I hear you.
Never again will I miss you.
Never again will I fall to you.
Never.
Never again will I kiss you.
Never again will I want to.
Never again will I love you.
Never!