1 year

it´s saturday. Freezing cold outside. Still have my cold. I wanna eat.
Took a long bath, but it didn´t help too much. Julia is out with her friend.
Scott is sending me loving messages all day. He is worried about me.
He feels helpless, wants to be comforting me.
I would lie if i´d say that wouldn´t help me heaps.
I am missing him so much.

Today i forced myself to talk to my sister. I had to. I don´t feel like
having anything to do with her right now. I feel left alone by my mom.
My friend always said to let it all out, or i´ll break down sooner or later.
Well i didn´t. But i am afraid i am close to can´t holding it back anymore.

Tomorrow it´s gonna be 1 year that she died.
It was a saturday. We had guests for dinner. Around, oh i don´t remember for sure, 6:30pm i got a call from the hospital. I never thought it would be so bad. Afterwards i knew she was already dead when i got the call. I rushed there. I remember walking down to the room and nurses coming up to me saying how sorry they were. I said, no no. No, thats not what i wanted to hear. It can´t be true.
I broke down but refused getting a shot to calm down. I wanted to be there. I can still her. Laying there. I remember Andi behind me. Holding me. I functioned like a robot from then on. Tomorrow i agreed to go to her grave. Julia hasn´t been there. Andi will be there. Probably pushing me, or not? I don´t wanna go. I know my mom understands it.She is always with me.