It´s wednesday, i am tired. Need to recharge. Fasching is over. Tried to explain to Scott what that is all about. I don´t know if i could make him understand. Today is Ash wednesday, went to church with Byron. He cooked fish afterwards. I just went to my room and listened to music.
It has been snowing again. I am sick and tired of snow now. I want SPRING!!!
Julia was supposed to go skiing with my dad but they had to cancel cause it wouldn´t stop snowing.
Scott has a free day. He got so wasted yesterday. Wonder how many braincells he killed. He slept at Daniels place. Tonight he is with Bruce. He be driving Bruce to the doc tomorrow. Poor guy, he has an operation coming up friday. They are gonna take some bone out of his hip to reconstruct his jaw. Peel his face off to break his jaw twice and reconstruct. Ouch that must hurt like hell. I am thinking about you Bruce. I´ll message him b4 he has his operation.
I am having a low right now. Scott tries everything to cheer me up. He is the sweetest. I´ll get through it, i know that. But he has always seen me as the strong one, guess its hard for him to see me weak. Let´s see if he can get me through this. Sometimes i just don´t let him close to me. It´s not that i don´t love him, i really do, but sometimes he cant help me. He tells me he feels helpless being so far away from me. But what doesn´t kill us makes us stronger. We´ve been through so much. I won´t give up now.
There was one moment i felt i had to let him go to make life easier for him. Me being so far away is killing him too.
He wrote back: If i lose you. I´ll never be the same again. I´ll be broken forever!
Right then i knew i made a mistake. Sabine told me too, why do u wanna hurt yourself? U love him?
Ya why? I don´t know. Sometimes I talk without thinking. Or did i want to hear how much he needs me? I don´t know. I apologised to him and he told me to never say shit like that again.
I do know how deep his feelings are for me. He changed his life. I have ppl, his friends, his brother telling me that he is a changed man, that they never saw him like that. And its been over a year now. He proved that he is serious. He did not fall back. I am proud of him. And honoured to be the reason for all this. I told him once, i hope i can love u half as much as u love me. He trusts me entirely. I am the love of his life.
Wow. That is so wonderful. Being loved so much. He is so sure about us. I have to step back sometimes and look at everything. And i know then, he is right. He is absolutely right. From the moment we met 5 years ago, there was something. And that lil spark he carried in himself, all the time, and he lit the fire. It took him some time but he did it. He surprised me with his feelings. I never thought i would be at this point. But i couldn´t find a more wonderful man.
Ah i have to stop talking. I just hope i don´t dissapoint him. He knows life beside me is not boring. He is in for the ride. I am tired. Before i talk more confusing things i go.
Bye ya all
Everything will be just fine
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